Anonymous
07-17-2006, 03:59 AM
It's sad, huh. It seems that a lot of people are leaving.
But mine was completely unexpected.
This is actually the same letter I posted in my online journal, for my closest friends to read.
But in order to save time, I will just post the exact same message for you guys to see. (So I apologize if there are unfamiliar actions/names mentioned.)
I'm sorry if you think this is anything too "emo," but I am not asking you to read it.
However, my point is there. Everything there is to know, hopefully, will be indicated.
-------------->
I have cried, and cried. Even up until this morning, for almost two days.
Some of you may already know why, but here I say it. My farewell.
The night of July 15, 2006. An unforgettable moment. An unforgettable, painful night.
Perryrin has been locked out of the very gates of the online space, that infinite place of dreams and any other you could think about.
For the very reason, the final act, because I have screamed at my older brother.
My older brother. I have had problems with him and the rest of my brothers for the past years already.
I have no real, concrete idea on why it is so. I love him, I love all my brothers. But I have no idea why they all -hurt- me. This was an issue that long dwelled within me as well.
But that is of no concern to this good-bye post, so on back with the situation...
Why did I? Because he was pushing my off my chair; taunting, hurting... It didn't exactly feel nice.
Why did he? Because he wanted to get me off, let my little brother sit there, while he devours the other PC to himself.
Why did I really have to? Because I was mentally unstable that moment. I was sad. Very sad. I felt pissed. I had to take it out. I yelled at him.
"GET THE HELL OFF ME."
Apparently, my father was outside, and heard my voice. He stormed in the house and told me to get off the chair. He yelled back and banned me.
But that wasn't the only reason. For months, he was trying to find a reason for me to get off that chair of mine, out of the internet.
He couldn't, however, because I was an excelling student. The internet helps me attain what I have. Furthermore, I am a "Computer Applications" student. There is no way I could live through my course without a computer and an online connection.
Everyone was proud of my rank. And I certainly worked hard for everything.
But one day, he found a nice article in the newspaper about some kids who died because of "online game" addiction. Immediately, he compared me with them.
To be honest, I do NOT play the ENTIRE day with ONLINE GAMES. It is true that I am addicted to the internet, online games, and such. But NEVER to that point.
I have self-control, and I show that in the everyday things that I do-- especially outside my home. I was respected because I was a lot more "mature" than majority of the students at school. I even defeated my own senior students.
It's hard when you have computer-illiterate parents. I tried to explain to them, but they call it "talking back to their parents." They got angrier.
I had to stay silent. There was nothing I could do.
All my programs were already uninstalled from my PC. My headphones were taken away as well.
No more online games for this "Dean's Lister" student. No more music into my head as well.
I only have my files left in there. I was thankful they were still in there. I'd never let them take those away, for those are my memories. My precious treasures.
Another reason: My family does not appreciate the -real- me. They do not like how I am, entirely. They hate the way I dress, the way I act, the way I speak--- Just everything.
They never really liked my hobbies, either. My brothers wouldn't make me feel better about it as well. They say I am a "bad child," just because I could not meet their expectations. I guess being an "honor student" was not enough for them. My personality was a pain to their eyes. I am a bad person??-- That hurt me even more. And they also argue that I shouldn't cry just because I was banned "for life" from the internet. I'm sorry, I am just a plain "EMO" when it comes to these things. They say that I have no other world other than the internet. You know what? They can't blame me for that. They are overly protective of me, never even letting me go out with my real life friends. And then they blame me that I have no other world than the internet? People who I love most could not accept who I really am. There was nothing else I could do. And there was no one I could turn to. I kept crying for countless hours. I couldn't sleep well that night. There were so many things to think about, all at once, it was just too heavy. I didn't even get to say what I had to say to all those people that I treasure over the internet. I forced myself to sleep, even if I was drowning in that sphere of misery. I felt so pathetic. And all I wanted was someone who would comfort me.
The next day came, Sunday, I had to do something. So then, I whipped out my mobile phone and sent out SMS messages to a couple of people that are very close to me. I was actually banned from using the mobile phone to text overseas, but that was something I could not control. I had to do it. And I am highly appreciative to those people who texted me back. Thank you all of you: You know who you are. I would especially would want to mention my little sister, Trelagz/Kai/Noir, and my twinnie, Manjuu/Yuu/Genvrier, for personally calling me up just to cheer me on. I could not even type out my words of appreciation to the two of you. Thank you, once again.
In less than a week to come, it is my 18th birthday. On July 23. I can only hope that my birthday will be okay.
I'm just sorry that I couldn't personally be there for everyone. But please don't worry, I promised what I had passed.
I will contact each and every one of you, I will never leave just like that.
It is actually hard not to fully lose my connections with the internet in this modern age, for it has become a part of humans even if one does not know.
So even at school, I will try to drop an e-mail for everybody, also dropping comments now and then.
My only birthday wish is for everyone to be well and happy.
I know I will come back someday. It's impossible that I can't.
Until then, I want everyone to just be yourselves and never, ever change. I pray for the success and wellness of each and every one of you.
I love you all, but even plain words can never say on how much I appreciate my friends here in the internet.
Take care and God bless. See you all again soon, and good-bye.
~ Perryrin/Suika/Tsunikoe ~
But mine was completely unexpected.
This is actually the same letter I posted in my online journal, for my closest friends to read.
But in order to save time, I will just post the exact same message for you guys to see. (So I apologize if there are unfamiliar actions/names mentioned.)
I'm sorry if you think this is anything too "emo," but I am not asking you to read it.
However, my point is there. Everything there is to know, hopefully, will be indicated.
-------------->
I have cried, and cried. Even up until this morning, for almost two days.
Some of you may already know why, but here I say it. My farewell.
The night of July 15, 2006. An unforgettable moment. An unforgettable, painful night.
Perryrin has been locked out of the very gates of the online space, that infinite place of dreams and any other you could think about.
For the very reason, the final act, because I have screamed at my older brother.
My older brother. I have had problems with him and the rest of my brothers for the past years already.
I have no real, concrete idea on why it is so. I love him, I love all my brothers. But I have no idea why they all -hurt- me. This was an issue that long dwelled within me as well.
But that is of no concern to this good-bye post, so on back with the situation...
Why did I? Because he was pushing my off my chair; taunting, hurting... It didn't exactly feel nice.
Why did he? Because he wanted to get me off, let my little brother sit there, while he devours the other PC to himself.
Why did I really have to? Because I was mentally unstable that moment. I was sad. Very sad. I felt pissed. I had to take it out. I yelled at him.
"GET THE HELL OFF ME."
Apparently, my father was outside, and heard my voice. He stormed in the house and told me to get off the chair. He yelled back and banned me.
But that wasn't the only reason. For months, he was trying to find a reason for me to get off that chair of mine, out of the internet.
He couldn't, however, because I was an excelling student. The internet helps me attain what I have. Furthermore, I am a "Computer Applications" student. There is no way I could live through my course without a computer and an online connection.
Everyone was proud of my rank. And I certainly worked hard for everything.
But one day, he found a nice article in the newspaper about some kids who died because of "online game" addiction. Immediately, he compared me with them.
To be honest, I do NOT play the ENTIRE day with ONLINE GAMES. It is true that I am addicted to the internet, online games, and such. But NEVER to that point.
I have self-control, and I show that in the everyday things that I do-- especially outside my home. I was respected because I was a lot more "mature" than majority of the students at school. I even defeated my own senior students.
It's hard when you have computer-illiterate parents. I tried to explain to them, but they call it "talking back to their parents." They got angrier.
I had to stay silent. There was nothing I could do.
All my programs were already uninstalled from my PC. My headphones were taken away as well.
No more online games for this "Dean's Lister" student. No more music into my head as well.
I only have my files left in there. I was thankful they were still in there. I'd never let them take those away, for those are my memories. My precious treasures.
Another reason: My family does not appreciate the -real- me. They do not like how I am, entirely. They hate the way I dress, the way I act, the way I speak--- Just everything.
They never really liked my hobbies, either. My brothers wouldn't make me feel better about it as well. They say I am a "bad child," just because I could not meet their expectations. I guess being an "honor student" was not enough for them. My personality was a pain to their eyes. I am a bad person??-- That hurt me even more. And they also argue that I shouldn't cry just because I was banned "for life" from the internet. I'm sorry, I am just a plain "EMO" when it comes to these things. They say that I have no other world other than the internet. You know what? They can't blame me for that. They are overly protective of me, never even letting me go out with my real life friends. And then they blame me that I have no other world than the internet? People who I love most could not accept who I really am. There was nothing else I could do. And there was no one I could turn to. I kept crying for countless hours. I couldn't sleep well that night. There were so many things to think about, all at once, it was just too heavy. I didn't even get to say what I had to say to all those people that I treasure over the internet. I forced myself to sleep, even if I was drowning in that sphere of misery. I felt so pathetic. And all I wanted was someone who would comfort me.
The next day came, Sunday, I had to do something. So then, I whipped out my mobile phone and sent out SMS messages to a couple of people that are very close to me. I was actually banned from using the mobile phone to text overseas, but that was something I could not control. I had to do it. And I am highly appreciative to those people who texted me back. Thank you all of you: You know who you are. I would especially would want to mention my little sister, Trelagz/Kai/Noir, and my twinnie, Manjuu/Yuu/Genvrier, for personally calling me up just to cheer me on. I could not even type out my words of appreciation to the two of you. Thank you, once again.
In less than a week to come, it is my 18th birthday. On July 23. I can only hope that my birthday will be okay.
I'm just sorry that I couldn't personally be there for everyone. But please don't worry, I promised what I had passed.
I will contact each and every one of you, I will never leave just like that.
It is actually hard not to fully lose my connections with the internet in this modern age, for it has become a part of humans even if one does not know.
So even at school, I will try to drop an e-mail for everybody, also dropping comments now and then.
My only birthday wish is for everyone to be well and happy.
I know I will come back someday. It's impossible that I can't.
Until then, I want everyone to just be yourselves and never, ever change. I pray for the success and wellness of each and every one of you.
I love you all, but even plain words can never say on how much I appreciate my friends here in the internet.
Take care and God bless. See you all again soon, and good-bye.
~ Perryrin/Suika/Tsunikoe ~
When I was in high school, my parents sound a lot like yours. They believed video games were evil and refused to let me play anything that didn't "stimulate" my brain. They refused to let me go out much and pushed me to study study study (I was on the honor roll as well). Oftentimes, my dad belittled me for not trying hard enough (even though I was in the top 15% of my class), and I've cried many nights because I didn't feel "worthy" to be his daughter or something. Eventually though, I think after SO many years (since elementary school pretty much), they eventually let me get a PS2 for my graduation (or was it my sweet 16... can't remember) O_o... I think now they also see the value of social interactions with friends and such.. and EVENTUALLY seeing that balance in life is key. =p 
I hope your parents will see this in time as well.
