Audition Global

Since I haven't been feeling good and been holding a lot to myself, I thought I might feel a little better if I share some things. Yes, this is a completely self-centered post with no concideration twords the problems of others. It's how I am going to selfishly try to make myself feel better. If that is a problem with you, go elsewhere.

I'd say the biggest of my current problems is with a friend of mine I have loved for a years time now. No, not liking, love.

I admitted it to him over AIM on September 4th, 2005 after spending so much time just wondering if he felt the same way back. Although.. I always felt really deep down what the answer to that was, but I've chosen to deny it greatly to this day. It just seems so much like theres something between us, but it is COMPLETELY in my head and I cant help it.

So yeah, on that day I told him I went from months of blissful happiness with a swirl of emotions I loved to have more than anything, to a pain-stricken inside that I've hidden for month after month with a plastered on happy smile.

THANKFULLY, I managed to convince the idiot that it 'was someone else on my screen name' after it all happened. He seemed so baffled by what was said that he convinced himself theres no WAY it could have been me talking; he sees me as 100% straight. (Yes, he is, apperently, completely straight)

So since then, whenever I hang out with him, I always unwillingly 'pretend' theres still something between us and I'll still get swirls of happy emotions when I'm near him, but that vision is often crushed. Ugh, and as I typed that I just remembered while at a friends house when he started making out with this filthy whore in the corner (she is literally a fucking whore).

Theres no possible way I can forget about him, whether he's straight or not. Why he was chosen to be someone I love I have no fucking idea, he's really not even that great of a person even if he can be nice.. Theres just too much to say.

And yeah, whats been making me feel sick all night and still is; while I was out with him and some others today he was talking about how he just asked some girl out and she said yes etc. I dunno, normally I'm able to silence this feeling whenever things like this happen, but it's not going away this time.

Edit: Lets throw in some more!! -- No one outside the internet knows I'm "bi" (perhaps completely gay, though I dont like to think that) so no one can really help me. I also have no friend that I see as someone I'm willing to talk to. I also REALLY dont want to talk to my parents about any of my problems. I wouldn't want a psyciotrist either; I'm not seeking help from someone I dont know. I also dont see the internet as a suitable way of recieving help / comfort. Since I cant be seen in person by any of you, things cant be fully understood, not to mention it's not something any of you should concern yourselves with concidering I live alone in the middle of nowhere. So yeah, I am extremely lonely.

Edit: More and more just comes to mind: -- It really is hard when I'm with my friends not feeling well and having to pretend everything is fine. If I dont do that, they all bug me saying things like "whats wrong?" etc just annoying the SHIT out of me, and they wont stop untill they think I'm okay. Pretending to be happy can be very hard and I know I'm not the only person who has to do it. But to me as a human being, that doesn't matter much. Only my own problems are a priority whether or not I like pretending to care about others. Cause lets face it, humans are selfish. Wow I sure am going off topic.. I'm really just spamming down my thoughts right now although I probably shouldn't since I'm ranting at this point.

Edit: At this point my stomach area is actually starting to PHYSICALLY hurt from this. I'm going to bed.

Now I feel like such a self-centered idiot for writing all of this and it didn't help at all. I also feel like a steriotypical emo kid since they've trademarked anything involving emotion when 95% of the time they have no real problems, leaving the rest of us in an annoyed position.

o_o;

*hug Elion*

Sorry I can't actually be there. It's not the same, I know. >_>;

It's okay, we all have to vent sometimes. x____x;;; today hasn't been a very good day for me either.

But that's another story...

I 'spose I can sorta relate? o_o; I dunno about the love part...it seems my friends think whenever I like someone I act desperate.

Like...I think it's love cause I thought it felt that way

but they were like 'no you're just kinda desperate so you think it's love'

:X Oh w/e. way too much about me in this post *hug Elion*

It's okay Eri-kun.

<3.

Wah.

<3.

aww <3 ELION !!
hope you feel better !

Wah...I'm speechless
Anwyays, hope ya'll feel better soon! ^_^

...Get used to it; that's the problem with being gay.

Actually, something like that is what started off the whole path which led to my 'coming out' to everyone of my friends. About four years ago was when I was first starting to realise I was gay, and it was mostly because of one older boy, only a grade older mind you, that I always thought was really nice and we were good friends...

Well, anyway, it hit me about 2.5 years previous that I -liked- him. A lot. Psycho crush. And it started driving me nuts. I had breakdowns at least once a month in the middle of my classes and was a complete emotional wreck.

So I dared to tell someone.

First, I got my oldest friend in town, this really nice girl (Okay, she's got a bit of a temper, but she's calmed down since her girlfriend moved in... oh the irony!) and took her aside one day and told her that I was gay and in love with the guy. She started squealing like a rabid fangirl, and when we got back to our friends, they thought she had been laughing at me 'cause I had asked her out, or something. Ironically, I never did get any advice from her that day.

Next, came my best male friend. Told him over the phone. He was just, kind of, like... "Oh. Well, I kind of assumed you were straight as an arrow, but I would have never put it past you..."

2 years ago, about a week after my birthday, I took the guy aside after class. Now, you have to understand, he was confiding everything in me by that point; how he'd gone out with a girl a few grades down, but she was too young and they had to split, how he was now talking to some girl online, but for some reason, I thought I had a chance.

And we were alone in the corner of the street and I kissed him on the lips. Just grabbed him and kissed him.

Too bad I was fooling myself with hope ><

Anyway, we managed to stay friends, though he's rarely in town anymore. The thing is that whenever we spend time together, I still feel kind of lightheaded and really happy and want to glomp him, but his brother is one of my best friends and he doesn't know that I'm gay yet and that would probably weird him out.

Regardless, I remember being worse of a wreck for a while there. The point that I'm trying to get to, though, is something a teacher told me. It was always her class I'd break down in, sort of because I kind of selfishly secretly wanted her to notice and give me support, I still consider her one of my closest friends.

Anyway, I asked her how to forget I love someone.

She said, "Don't try to forget, it doesn't work. Just remember the love you felt and how happy it made you, take some time to recover, and eventually you'll be able to back up and put it in perspective and move on, eventually."

She said she had somebody that she really liked back in high school, but he never cared about her at all.

The fact is that we can never quite get over any feelings we ever have, and we're doomed as homosexuals to be kind of stuck holding in our feelings, else risk our hearts and, as it may sometimes become, physical well-being. It totally sucks, but at the same time, it's the reason that everyone says that the best friends you can have are those who like the same gender; they know what it's like to have pain, and those who have suffered and survived are always ready to help others with it.

Lean on us, for a while, Elion. If you think you sound selfish, everybody's got the right to be depressed and rant about these kinds of things; and this can help you put things in perspective. The more you talk about something, the more rationally you can think about it.

~Garlyle

Gar-kun, that really helped a lot, thank you.

I could hardly believe it when I read you actually kissed him; I could never have the courage to do that myself, having an uke personality ( ;3 ).

What amazed me even more is that your still friends with him.. If I did that to this guy, knowing him, he would probably hate me and do everything in his power to embarass and ruin me. And yes, I still love him, laugh at the things he says, do him favors, thank him for the favors he does for me, and want more than anything when I see him to just be able to hold him.

Taking your teachers advice the moment I read it has already helped me a lot; I feel really uplifted now~. I wish I had teachers like that >o<.

Again, thanks a lot. ^^

(Side note to Kumal: If you read this, you are NOT to say a WORD to Jitth (especially), Koji, or anyone else who has contact with my IRL friends. KTHX? ^.^)